A Little Bit of Grace

It keeps coming up. Repeatedly over the past couple weeks. In conversation, social media, a comment on a post. Funny how that happens.

We can know what to do, but sometimes we just can’t.

That’s often my situation with exercise, or other little things that would benefit me. I know I need to do it. I know I’d feel better if I did. But somehow the day slips by, and I didn’t do those things that would have made me feel better or made life easier.

It’s true for parenting too. That was one of the conversations. We were both preschool teachers with degrees in early childhood before our little ones came along. Being young and idealistic, we thought we knew a thing or two. It was so easy to judge from our ivory towers. If parents would just do x, y or z, their child wouldn’t be having whatever difficulty we perceived. Parents were clearly the problem.

And then I became one.

Oh humility! A big giant dose.

I knew the theories. I knew to respond positively – responding rather than reacting to challenging behavior. I knew the ideals. And I repeatedly failed to reach them. I received the ‘bad mommy award’ — which I frequently gave myself when I fell short — on so many occasions.

Overtime I learned ideals are just that. Something we aspire to, but not always reality. Life happens. We’re juggling competing needs and responsibilities, our own and our kid’s health and well-being, and all the things that need to get done. We go from sleepless nights to mornings when we barely have time to swig down a few gulps of coffee, through harried days, and evenings counting the minutes until the kids are finally in bed. All the while those ideals taunting us with all we should do and be.

We know we should stay calm when our favorite vase gets broken, yet we yell like a banshee. Or we resort to threating every imaginable consequence when our child is once again dawdling and we’re already late.

We know. And after the fact, most of us beat ourselves up a little bit. But how about, instead, we give ourselves a little grace? A moment to acknowledge that we’re human and doing the best we can in any given moment.

While we’re at it, how about if we extend that grace to our little ones? They too can know what to do but can’t always do it. They may tell us what they’re supposed to do, then turn around and do the opposite. They know it’s not okay to hit little brother, but when he knocks down their tower yet again, their ability to stop themselves just isn’t there. Kind of like how we feel when we’ve had to intervene in their fighting for the umpteenth time and finally lose our own cool.

When our little one has a total and complete meltdown in the middle of the candy aisle, it’s not a good time for them any more than it is for us. Perhaps they are overtired, hungry, overstimulated, and that “no” pushed them right over the edge. Their ability to handle one more frustration or disappointment, just isn’t there. And they don’t have the years of experience or brain development we do to help manage those moments.

So, while we aspire to be the best parents we can, and guide our kids in learning and becoming the best versions of themselves, let’s give us all a little grace when we fall short.

We can know what to do, but sometimes we just can’t.

We’re doing the best we can with where we are in any given moment. Let’s give ourselves and our children a little grace in those moments. Then come back to reconnect if needed, make repair, figure out where to go from here, or what to do next time.

And maybe we could extend that out into the world as well — to the guy who cut us off in traffic, the parent losing their cool at the park, or even those rude comments by people online.

With you on the journey,

~Tammy

“Grace meets us where we are, but does not leave us where it found us.”
~Anne Lamott

We look forward to supporting you on your parenting journey as you support your kids and family.

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The Guiding Insights Newsletter brought to you by:
Tammy Ulrich - parenting & early childhood educator
and her daughter, Shannon Achilles, mom to 10 year old H.