Letting Go -- Again

Once again, here I am, taking a deep breath as I join the ranks of parents faced with letting go as their child takes off into a new realm of growth and independence.

I watch parents of preschoolers, with tears in their eyes, leaving their precious little ones for the first time. There are also those whose children have already conquered separating, but are adjusting to a new school. As well as the proud parents of kindergarteners starting this exciting monumental year. As a teacher and school administrator, I’ve been down this path before with countless children and parents, as well as with my own kids. But this year, it feels so much harder.

This year I just dropped my youngest off at school too. Only this time, when I waved goodbye, it was to leave him at college – clear across the country.

As I watch parents saying good-bye with faces of pride and sadness, and the children looking both excited and unsure, I find myself reminiscing. It seems like only yesterday…

I was watching my firstborn learn to walk. With great determination, she’d pull herself up again and again until, finally, the day came when she let go and made her way across the floor. What if she falls!? Well, she did. A few times. There were bumps and tumbles all along the way. But we were there, if she needed us to help her get back up again. She didn't.

The temptation was to keep holding on. To protect her. To scoop her up and keep her safe. To keep her my baby always. But her determination was a force to be reckoned with. And I would never want to deny that sense of satisfaction she wore across her face at her success.

I remember my two-year-old son, frustrated and near tears, struggling to put his socks on. As I reached over to try to help, he yanked them away yelling, “Mine! Me do it!” I had to sit on my hands! It was so hard to watch him, so angry and frustrated, and not insist he let me help. Eventually the sock went on – twisted heel on top.

The frustration immediately disappeared, replaced by a look of pure satisfaction and delight. If I had insisted on helping, I would have taken that moment away from him, along with his learning of new skills, budding self-confidence, and feelings of accomplishment.

When I left my daughter at pre-school for the first time, she was with my best friend who was practically her second mom. That, I could handle. But leaving my son was different. He was still so little. I can still feel his little arms clinging tightly around my neck as his teacher gently pulled him away. I can see his crying face at the window as I drove off. I cried all the way to work. He didn’t have to be there, I told myself. He could have kept coming to work with me. He was only one.

But he was constantly on the move now. On the run! My office wasn’t suited for an active toddler. But each drop-off got easier, with me smiling and acting excited that he got to go to school. Then rushing to work to call and check in – to be assured he was fine as soon as I left. Soon he had a little friend. Before long, he didn’t even want to leave when I came to pick him up. He was in exactly the right place for his developmental needs. He’d learned to trust others, and to trust that he’d be okay. Interestingly enough, so had I.

I’ve come to realize that parenting is a never-ending balance of love, support, and guidance – followed by the courage to let go. Each time we are faced with letting go just a little bit more. I’m certain it is much harder on us than on our kids! At least it is for me. Parenting is, in many ways, an ongoing process of preparing our children not to need us -- even though we may still need them, or at least need to be needed.

One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is confidence in themselves: the belief that they are capable. That they can do it – and that we believe in them. Children are naturally driven to learn and do. Our job is to provide the right balance of support and space: to step in when needed, and to step back when it’s time.

Through it all, we’re rewarded with a front row seat to witness the joy of their successes, the blossoming of their confidence, and the unfolding of their abilities as we watch them become who they are meant to be.

Besides, we’re never quite done. There will always be another moment, another milestone, another opportunity to love, support and guide them as they step into yet another realm of life.

Only for us to let go – again, with that familiar bittersweet blend of joy and endless pride.