May 2026 Parenting Notes

Encouraging beyond Praise: Building Confidence & Intrinstic Motivation in Kids

What if the way we we think we're encouraging our kids... isn't?

One of the more challenging conundrums for me (Shannon) as a parent has been finding the balance in how best to encourage my son in a meaningful way -- beyond simple praise. He is really into skateboarding. One thing I appreciate about this sport is how much you have to overcome failing, try again, then keep going in order to progress. Every trick that finally lands is the product of falling over and over again.

He’ll try something new, fall, get back up, and do it again. Sometimes he keeps going until he gets it. Other times he gets frustrated. If I just praise him for landing a trick, the 7 million times he fell gets lost. I want to encourage him in those moments of frustration, as well as acknowledge how hard he worked, not just praise the end result. It’s a process that takes a lot of perseverance. That’s certainly a skill that will carry over into overcoming challenges throughout life.

I want my son to know that I am proud of him, but I also want him to develop intrinsic motivation and his own sense of pride in himself. This is something my mom and I have been talking about a lot lately. One of the biggest things we keep coming back to is the difference between praise and encouragement.

So, what is the difference?

In the simplest terms for our purposes, praise centers around the feelings of the adult, while encouragement focuses on the feelings and actions of the child.

Praise, as well as rewards, tends to shift the focus to how we feel about what they’ve done. It shifts the focus outward, wanting to do well so we’re happy, or to get a special prize.

Encouragement feels different. It keeps the focus on their effort, their experience, and what they’re learning in the process, rather than our judgment. Kids do well because accomplishment feels good and their effort has meaning.

Simply, praise can cause children to look outside themselves for value, while encouragement supports looking within.

5 things to do instead…

For most of us, “good job” is a default phrase. It’s not about completely removing praise, but about being more conscious in order to shift interactions with our kiddos to more encouraging language. Here are five ways to do so:

Focus on effort – Focus on the effort and process, whether it leads to a final accomplishment or not. “You worked really hard on that!” “You really thought that through to find a solution.”

This may also include a focus on the result of the effort. “You kept going even when it got hard, and you did it!” Or how their effort made a difference, “That was really kind of you. Look how happy your friend is.”

Turn it within – Turn the sense of pride inward, “You must feel so proud of yourself right now.” “I’ll bet you feel really good about that.”

Acknowledge – Simply say what you see in a positive way. “You put the toys away all by yourself.”

Say thank you – “Thank you for helping. It made things much easier.”

Ask questions – “How did you feel about that?” “What was your favorite part of what you accomplished?” Or even, “tell me all about it.”

Celebrate!

We all like to share our accomplishments. And our kids do need to know we are proud of them. Instead of praise or rewards, one of the ways we accomplish this is by having a family culture of celebration for our accomplishments, as well as the effort along the way. Maybe it’s a dance party in the kitchen, an ice cream treat, or a great big hug.

Why does it matter?

When kids accomplish something on their own, they light up. There is a genuine sense of pride. It builds a positive sense of self and belief in their ability. That feeling leads to confidence to try new things. Kids are naturally driven to do and grow. But praise can turn their natural intrinsic motivation outward to the judgment and desires of others. When we praise outcomes or traits, like being smart, pretty or athletic, children begin to tie their sense of worth to the external feedback. They may become dependent on approval to feel valued.

With encouragement, we support our kids’ internal motivation. They are more willing to persist even when things are hard, are less afraid of making mistakes, and believe they can figure things out, strengthening their problem-solving skills and a growth mindset.

This ensures our kids do their best, and feel good about themselves, regardless of the praise or reward.

With you on the journey,

~ Shannon & Tammy

“Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” ~Unknown

We look forward to supporting you as you support your kids and family.

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The Guiding Mindset Newsletter brought to you by:
Tammy Ulrich - parenting & early childhood educator
and her daughter, Shannon Achilles, mom to 10 year old H.