Parenting through Separation & Divorce
Frank glanced over at Beth. She noticed his glance but continued getting dressed. He attempted a feeble “good morning.” She mumbled at him and left the room. She wasn’t talking to him – again, but he didn’t know why. Communication wasn’t something they were very good at. He was supposed to guess what she wanted. The idea was that if he really loved her, he’d know. He really tried, but the distance between them had become a gulf. He knew it was over and wondered when one of them would say so. They could go weeks without talking. Even though they’d go on as usual, the kids felt it. They’d be acting up again. Beth’s teacher had already called.
On the other side of town Monica awakened. She could hear the slamming of the cupboard doors in the kitchen. She groaned. He was in a mood, as usual. She really didn’t know how much more she could take. Had she ever really been in love with Glenn? If she had, she sure wasn’t anymore. If it weren’t for the kids! She loved her children. Could she put them through a divorce?
Perhaps you see yourself in one of the examples above. Or you have your own set of circumstances. Separating is never an easy answer, or one to take lightly. Especially when children are involved. It has a shattering impact on everyone. Many children with separated parents have problems, some of them severe. Others are adjusting and living happy, productive lives.
What makes the difference?
Put aside differences and parent together
Probably THE most essential thing you can do to help your child thrive in spite of divorce is to put aside your differences and parent together. Hold each other up in your child’s eyes. Your animosity towards each other hurts your child! They have two parents, and unless there is abuse or truly unsafe conditions, they need you both. They love you both. It wasn’t their choice for you to separate. They may even be blaming themselves. They are likely hoping and dreaming of you getting back together. You brought this little human into the world; it’s up to you to work through this time in a way that best supports them. I can’t state this strongly enough. How you handle your relationship, conflict, disagreements, difficult emotions and so on is affecting them, and teaching them! It will have a direct influence on their own relationships, their sense of self, and how they handle difficulties. It will also make the difference in their resilience; how quickly they work through your separation and adjust.
Without a doubt, the parents who continue to positively parent together, who keep their difficulties away from the children, treat each other positively and with respect, have children who are resilient and come through the experience well. Who not only survive, but thrive. When parents attempt to pit the children against the other parent, say negative things, and treat each other badly, it is the children that suffer! Difficult behaviors are much more prevalent. Depression and anxiety develop. Sense of self is affected. And future relationships are harmed.
What do you want for your child’s future relationships?
What are your hopes and dreams for your child's own marriage or partnership and building of a family? I’d encourage you to really think about this. What do they need to form strong healthy relationships throughout their lives? Then when you are struggling to work with your child’s other parent ask yourself, “Am I modeling behaviors that are teaching my child these things?”
Kids are always listening!!!
If your child is busy playing while you are talking to your best friend about what a jerk John is being and you think they are busy and not listening, guess again! They are hearing every word. And they are picking up on your energy. It isn’t enough to just try to act civil in your child’s presence. It is something to do your best to live. Funny thing about it is that it won’t only help your child. It will help you too. It certainly isn’t healthy to be holding all the animosity. Your anger and negative feelings don’t help you work through things or peacefully problem solve as co-parents. You are stuck with each other, so doesn’t it make sense to find a new way to create a positive relationship with each other? And a positive model of working through difficulties for your child.
What do you like about your child’s other parent?
When I divorced the county I lived in required a course called Kids Turn before the divorce could be finalized. At the first meeting the course instructor went around the room and asked each person to say something positive about their child’s other parent. I was amazed that at least half the class, maybe more, couldn’t do it. You created a child with this person. There must be something you like about them! What is it? Even if you have to dig deep and come up with things as simple as they have nice eyes, or they love our child, I encourage you to write down three positive things. The more difficult your relationship, the more reason to do this. Continually focus on those things. When you begin to spiral into upset, go read your list. If you want to really create a better relationship, add one more positive thing about them daily, or even weekly. They may not deserve it, but your child does. As you start to see them differently, you will begin to respond differently, which will in turn cause them to respond differently. You can’t change them. You can only change YOU and your response.
Separating is Hard!
All of this is easy for me to say. Separation is a difficult and emotional process. Depending on your situation, it can be quite the challenge to be at your best through it all. There is generally active hurt at play, on both sides. Our exes know just how to get to us. We have a history of installed buttons that are easily pushed. This means we need to be very conscious and actively work to change our perceptions about this person that our child loves, to identify our triggers, then avoid reacting and work to see things from their perspective. We also need to give ourselves grace along the way. It may take all we have to get through the day, but we need to take care of ourselves and work on our own healing.
Sharing Custody
Along with separation comes custody decisions. This is often a painful process for everyone. More often than not, it is actually a custody battle. And with any battle, even if you get your way, there really are no true winners. The children are the casualties.
There is a saying, “You can be right, or you can be happy. Choose to be happy.” It’s time to let go of thinking you are in the right and strive for happiness. For your child. The longer the battle, the greater the damage.
I encourage you to step back from yourself, your pain, and step into your child’s other parent’s shoes. Find it in yourself to truly understand what is going on for them. To truly understand their hurts, hopes, and fears. That doesn’t mean giving in. That means understanding their perspective. With understanding, you may be able to let go of some of the negative feelings and step into compassion. If you proceed from a place of understanding, you can work together and collaborate. You both want what is best for your child, but are your actions showing that? Even if your ex isn’t able or willing, it is still up to you to work to understand their perspective. Every action, every decision you make, has everything to do with what is best for your child and nothing to do with what your ex has or hasn’t done.
Even more critical is for you both to step into your child’s shoes. Every action, every decision, needs to come from here. Not what is best for either of you, not what either of you wants or thinks is better, but what is truly best for your child.
Let’s consider some different scenarios:
A field trip was planned at Mary’s pre-school and parents were encouraged to attend. Mary’s parents are divorced. Her mom and dad both love her very much and wanted to attend this trip with her. They also thought that if they didn’t attend, but the other parent did, that parent would look better and get extra time. They spent most of the trip vying for Mary’s attention and arguing. Mary tried to avoid them as much as possible and hang out with her friend Joey and his mom.
Alex’s dad jumped at the opportunity to attend the field trip. Although custody had been worked out reasonably well, Steve still hurt deeply. He doesn’t have near the time with the kids that he did when they all lived together. He misses the children terribly and worries over them a great deal. He is concerned over what they have done to the children by getting a divorce. Tears still well up in his eyes while he watches them play, even though they have been divorced for a couple years now. During the entire trip he carried Alex, holding him closely, constantly kissing his head and face. He repeatedly reassured him, “Daddy’s here.” While the other children played, laughed, and experienced the adventures of the day, Alex stayed tightly in his father’s arms.
Beth called Paul on the phone, “Lizzy’s school is taking a field trip, and parents are asked to attend. I can take time off, but I just thought you might like to go with her.” Beth had custody of Lizzy. She preferred to see as little of Paul as possible, but she and Paul had created a mutually supportive parenting relationship. “I’d love to. Thanks!” was Paul’s reply. Lizzy had a great time with her dad on the trip and couldn’t wait to tell her mom all about it when she picked her up from pre-school.
It’s easy to see from these examples which children will not only survive their parent’s separation but thrive. Yet, all these parents want the best for their children and are trying to do a good job parenting. There are keys to making the best of the situation. What can you do to help your child thrive?
Keys to help your child thrive:
You are separating from your spouse or partner. Not your child. Leave them out of
it!! Explain what is going on in a manner appropriate for their development, reassure them, but keep all your discussions and difficulties out of their earshot. Don’t assume they aren’t listening or can’t hear you. Remember it isn’t their choice. They are the innocent bystanders.
1. The “loser” from fighting with your partner is your child. Every time you act in a way that
doesn’t create harmony with your former partner, you hurt your child. It is the harmony between you that will support your child’s resilience and help them adjust. And actually, you too.
2.Your child has two parents. No matter how bad you think the other parent is, they are still
your child’s parent and they need both of you. Trying to uproot that relationship because you think they’re a jerk hurts your child a lot more than it will hurt your ex.
3.Maintain a positive and supportive attitude. Your feelings about the new arrangements
will go a long way in how your child perceives things. Your child is going to go through some difficulties, but they can and will come through it, with your love and support.
Keep intense emotions to yourself. It is okay for your child to know you are feeling sad.
That’s human. Be honest about your feelings, yet vague about the details. Remember not to say anything negative or put blame on their other parent. Don’t make your child your counselor or support person. It isn’t their job to make you feel better or have to watch you wallow in grief or anger.
Take time to grieve and work through difficult feelings. Maybe you already are, or you are so busy taking care of everyone else you feel like you can’t. Maybe you are so relieved you don’t feel you need to. Whatever the case, you are experiencing a loss. Give yourself the time to feel and heal. Be compassionate with yourself.
Tell your story, then stop! Go ahead and tell your story. Tell your best friend what that monster did to you, and all you had to endure! Shout it from a mountain top. Get it out! (Just make sure your child doesn’t hear!) Then stop! Let it go.
Create Anew. If you continue to tell the same story, you are renewing your pain, with no gain. Stop saying the same old thing and playing the same old game. Realize you are seeing the situation through the distortion of your own pain. This will not allow you to create a positive new situation for you or your kids. The past is the past. Leave it there. Create a new story for how your family will work. The first part of creating a new story is deciding what you want it to look like. What do you want in your life?
8.Create a new relationship. No matter how bad your relationship, you can create a new one. The first step to having a harmonious relationship is deciding to have one. You are stuck with this person. Yes, you’re separated, but they are still in your life, and most importantly, your child’s life. You are going to have a relationship. What do you want it to be? You get to choose. You are now in a position to recreate it. Let go of the past. Put it behind you and look to the future. How can you collaborate? Find middle ground? For your child who you love. And for you.
9.You can’t replace the other parent. You can’t replace a parent by getting your child a new one. Just because you remarried or started a new relationship, doesn’t mean your child will now love this new person as their parent. Forcing your new relationship on your child, or to see them as their parent, will only serve to alienate.
10.Create a communication plan. If communication came easily, chances are you’d still be together. It may be best to communicate via text or email. When you do need to have face to face conversations, do so in a neutral place, perhaps a restaurant. Being in a more public place may help maintain your civility and best behavior. Learn positive communication skills, such as Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication. Download a co-parenting app, such as WeParent or Our Family Wizard.
11.Forgive. Not for your ex, for you, and for your child. Every action is either an act of love or a call for love. No matter what that other person did, they were acting from a place of pain – feelings of hurt or fear. It wasn’t even about you. It was about them. Forgiveness is about you. It doesn’t make what they did right. It doesn’t mean it didn’t directly affect you. It is about not letting it poison you any longer. Every time you tell the story, notice your body and emotions. You feel bad—angry, sad, jealous, unloved. Any array of negative emotions are not of benefit to you. Is that other person feeling any of that as you hold those feelings? No. They’re in their own space. “Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” When you forgive, you accept that they are a human being who feels and makes mistakes. Don’t allow their mistakes to poison you any longer. That’s doesn’t mean you agree or will now be bff’s.
12. Pick your battles. You and your former partner often don’t agree or get along. That probably has a lot to do with why you separated, after all. It is ideal if you can have consistency between homes. But unless your perceived problem is really vital, let it go. Harmony is more important and creates better mental health for all of you. Make an effort to assume the best and avoid taking offense. Let any jabs pass on by without picking them up.
13.For custodial parents: What if it were you that now only got to have your child, that most precious person in your life, a fraction of the time? What if it were you that no longer had any say in your child being put on medication, attending a school you don’t feel good about, or any number of parenting decisions? You may be the decision maker, but sharing in the decision, or at least asking for an opinion, helps create harmony. You may hold the power, but the other parent feeling powerless doesn’t serve any of you. Even if you don’t agree, you can at least listen and consider their opinion. They may actually have some insights. They are your child’s parent, and deserve to be treated as such. In addition, your visitation schedule is not in stone. Flexibility goes a long way to ensure your child has happy experiences in both homes.
Working with children I have seen many families through separation or divorce. I postponed my own divorce because I didn’t want to put my children through it. What I have observed time and time again is that it is a challenge for children even in the best circumstances, but in the best circumstances, children can and do come out the other side resilient and happy. In the worst circumstances, children don’t fare well. They may believe they are the cause, that it’s not okay to love both of their parents, that any traits they have that are similar to the other parent’s makes them bad too. Their self- esteem suffers. It affects their ability to have positive relationships in their own lives. It comes out in a variety of negative behaviors. Yet when parents make a conscious effort to parent together, when they strive to attend their children’s events together, and join together on special occasions, speak well about each other, nurture their child’s relationship with the other parent, the children win. They not only survive, they thrive.
