Positive Guidance vs Punishment: How to Tell the Difference

Where in the world did we get this ridiculous idea that we have to make people feel bad in order for them to do the right thing?

For instance, consider this scenario:  Your boss comes in with some paperwork you recently completed. “What the hell is this? Are you completely incompetent?”  Your face turns red as you look at the paper in his hand. You thought it had been all right when you finished it, but you hadn’t been feeling well at the time and it really wasn’t your best work. You’d been out sick the day before, which your boss knew.  “I’m sorry. I’ll take another look at it.”  You murmur.  “I haven’t been feeling well.”  “Don’t make excuses for your shoddy work.” He storms. “You never do anything right! “ And he tosses the paper on your desk.

So, how do you feel?  Not so great, I bet! Are you feeling good about yourself and your abilities? How do you feel about your boss? Do you even want to do what he wants? Consider how this type of treatment motivates you (or rather stripes away your motivation) and your ability to do your best. Sure, you may try harder to please your boss… out of fear, but there is resentment brewing. It’s very unlikely you’re going to be willing to risk trying anything creative or innovative. If you do have difficulty with a project, you will be fearful, which in turn can prevent you from doing your best or finding solutions.

But, what if your boss comes in and says, “I know you were out yesterday and not feeling very well.  This just isn’t up to your usual ability. How about taking another look at it?”  Feel any different than the above scenario?

It’s the same with children!  We can choose to make them feel bad about what they do, and in turn, themselves – punishment, OR we can help them understand and take ownership of problems, while guiding them in how to fix mistakes and make more positive choices – guidance.

Punishment demeans and belittles. It makes the person pay for what they’ve done. Punishment diminishes the person, making them inferior, worthless and wrong. Guidance, on the other hand, guides and supports. It helps the person see what the problem is, learn from the situation and find a more positive solution.

We live in a punitive society. Whenever there is a problem, we are quick to look for whom to blame and determine how to make them pay for what they’ve done. If someone makes a mistake, regardless of how unintentional, they must be punished (have something bad done to them in return). Otherwise, we fear, people won’t learn right from wrong.

But it is not from punishment that we learn right from wrong. We are social beings and drawn to others. We care about those others and want them to like and care about us. Our task as children is to learn about how the world works and our place in it. When we are gently and lovingly guided in that task, we easily learn right from wrong. We want to do the right thing for its own sake.

When punishment is used to teach us, we learn resentment and fear. We learn to withdraw and be cautious of those who hold power over us, even though they may be the people we love. We learn how important it is to hide our mistakes and not get caught. We do the right thing when others are watching, or out of fear, rather than for its own sake.

Positive guidance helps children learn not only right from wrong, but that they can make the right choice, think for themselves, fix and learn from mistakes, and in turn, treat others compassionately when they make a mistake.