The Power of Yes is that we are empowering our children to become confident, respectful and empathetic people. People that can deal with disappointment and delayed gratification. Empowered to be problem solvers, with a growth mindset, that believe in themselves and know how to get what they want out of life.

Although, if you ask a two-year-old, the answer to whatever it is you are suggesting is likely to be a loud, resounding, “Noooo!”  That “no” may even be accompanied with falling to the floor, kicking and screaming. Even as children get older, and the temper tantrums subside, we often find ourselves up against resistance, refusal, or out and out defiance. Why is it that children don’t do what we tell them? What do we do when they tell us “No!”?

Why do we think we have to say NO?

As parents, we continually have to say “No.” It seems that is just part of parenting. It’s our job to protect and guide our kids. After all, they are always getting into this or that, they want what they can’t have, they aren’t on the same timeline as we are, and they seem to have their own agendas. It’s our job to make sure they are doing the right thing, that they behave and do what they’re told. We sure don’t want them to grow up spoiled, thinking they can have or do whatever they want!

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, someone “who is spoiled is allowed to do or have anything that they want, usually with the result that they behave badly and do not show respect to other people." Absolutely! It is up to us to ensure our children learn to behave appropriately, that they are kind and respectful to others. But what about believing they can have or do what they want?

I do want my children to grow up believing they can have and do what is important to them. As adults, I want them to know they can get what they want in life. That they can do what brings them happiness and joy. I want them to believe in themselves and their abilities, knowing how to get the most out of life. And I want them to be kind, respectful humans that treat others well. The power of yes allows us to have both.

Are you modeling No?

What do you do when your kids tell you no? Yell? Get mad? Admonish them for talking back? What do they do when you tell them no? Yell? Get mad? Throw a tantrum? You are your child’s first teacher. They are absorbing how to be in the world by watching you. If you are getting a lot of noes and resistance, ask yourself, are they doing what I have modeled?

In the same way, the more you model Yes, the more likely you are to get a yes from them. You are showing, then giving them the opportunity to practice, how to get what they want and be a kind respectful person.

The Benefits of Yes

Minimizes Resistance & Difficult Behaviors

When you say yes, it eliminates the need for your kids to push back. It’s hard to argue with a yes, with agreement. Instead, you are encouraging an atmosphere of cooperation, working together for collaboration and connection. Difficult behaviors are less likely as your child feels heard and considered.

Creating Connection

When kids feel heard and considered, it increases your connection. Cooperation and collaboration are more likely to follow. You’ve probably heard the saying, “connection before correction.” A connected relationship with your child means much more peace and joy in parenting and in life.

Building Problem Solving Skills

When you allow your child to say no, or to question why they can or can’t do something they want, you are supporting the building of problem-solving skills. That doesn’t mean they get to be rude and disrespectful, demanding or obstinate. When we provide an explanation and take the time to listen to their thinking about the situation, they are learning reasoning. They may think of an answer to your concern. Sometimes it may even cause you to reconsider. Often it won’t. But it does help your child learn to think and reason, to learn the skills of negotiation, to compromise and collaborate to solve a dilemma. Their feelings of self-worth grow as they see that they, and their thoughts and ideas, have value. That they can work toward getting what they want. This creates a growth mindset – to embrace challenges, to persist in what is important to them, to be resilient in the face of disappointment.

Turning No into Yes

Let’s look at some scenarios to see how we can turn No into Yes:

Your child comes into the kitchen while you are cooking dinner and asks, “Can I have a cookie?” For most of us, our first response is likely to be, “NO! You’ll spoil your dinner.” We can easily turn this No into a Yes by simply saying, “Yes, you can have a cookie -- after dinner.”

Perhaps your child comes to you and asks if they can play a video game. You look around the room to see toys strung out everywhere. It’s a huge mess! You’re tempted to exclaim, “NO! Look at this mess! There are toys everywhere.” Again, we can simply turn the no into a yes, AND get the toys cleaned up by saying, “Yes, after you put away your toys." (Note: for very young children, it might need to be, “Yes, after we put away the toys” providing some help in completing a daunting task.)

What if the simple change to a yes doesn’t work. Your child comes to ask, “Can we go to the park?” You reply, “Yes, after I finish my work.” Instead of acceptance, you get, “But I want to go noooooowwww!” It’s reasonable that your child is anxious to go. The younger the child, the harder it is to wait. We can acknowledge those feelings and still hold to what needs to happen, perhaps saying, “Sounds like you are anxious to get to the park. I know it is hard to wait. I’ll be finished soon. What would you like to do in the meantime? You could play outside or maybe with your new toy.” Maybe the response will be positive and they’ll go off to play, or maybe they will whine, “I don’t want to do that! I just want to go to the park!” Simply reply, “I get it. I’m sure you’ll figure something out. I need to finish my work now so that we can go soon.”

Sometimes No is Necessary

Sometimes we have to say no and it just isn’t negotiable. Particularly when safety is of concern. Our kids do ultimately need to accept when they aren’t allowed to do something. Being okay with your child saying no, or questioning what you asked of them, certainly does not mean giving in to let them do whatever they want. It does mean listening, considering, explaining why, then supporting them in accepting the No. That means acknowledging and accepting the feelings of disappointment. Children get practice with handling no and the disappointments we all encounter.

Disappointment can come with big feelings and unwanted behaviors. It is to be expected in little people who are still learning to regulate their emotions. You can help them with what to do with that disappointment. Listening to what is going on for them. Empathizing and acknowledging their feelings. Letting them know that those feelings are okay, even though certain behaviors are not. Helping them to find what they can do to feel better, other alternatives to what they wanted, or what they can do instead.

It’s Okay for Kids to Say No

Kids actually need the opportunity to say no. That means letting them practice with you. How many of us as adults have trouble sayings no, causing us to people please or take on more than we should? Or allowing others to cross boundaries that protect us mentally or physically?

Allowing kids to say no helps them to learn to establish boundaries for themselves, and to say no even when it may make others unhappy. This is certainly important as adults but also consider how important it is for your child to be able to think for themselves and say no to peers as teens.

To empower your child to learn how to navigate the noes in life, and get what they want or need as adults, they need the opportunity to learn how as kids. When we engage the power of “Yes,” even when there may be a caveat or delay to that which is desired, our interactions become more cooperative, and we create an environment where everyone feels heard and respected. Parenting becomes more joyful, and our homes more peaceful.