Happy February!

February brings thoughts of love and gratitude for the important people in our lives. At The Guiding Mindset, we send out our love and gratitude to you for being part of our community.

How can you create a little extra love in your family this month?

 We’ve been busy at The Guiding Mindset working on materials to support you on your parenting journey. There are new articles and tips on our website to check out. Very soon we’ll be launching a new course: From Chaos to Calm: A Positive Guidance Foundation for Peaceful Parenting. Our sister site, Educating the Essence, will be launching a new course for educators this month, Creating a Positive Work Climate. Keep a look out for more to come!

 February is Black History Month, providing the perfect opportunity to help our kids in learning about the many black people who have made significant contributions to our world, but have been excluded from history. It’s a great time to talk about kindness and community, and how we can create a world of equity that works for all. To recognize there are experiences we may not understand, but we can have empathy and compassion. To consider how we can care about our friends and be an ally when needed. Of course, this isn’t just a topic for February, but something to live with our children daily.  There are wonderful books and resources to support parents, as well as many great children’s books. Check our website for resources.

Pro Tip of the Month:

The Power of Yes!

What’s the best hack for avoiding power struggles? The Power of Yes! By making small changes in how you speak, turning a no into a yes, you can minimize resistance and difficult behavior, create connection, and help your child develop problem solving skills.

Here’s what it might look like:

“Mom!! I want a cookie!!” Mom: “Sure, buddy. You can have a cookie right after dinner.”

Or

“Daddy, can we go outside?” Dad: “Yes, I’d love to go outside with you as soon as we put your toys away. “

As parents it seems there is always a reason we need to say “No!” But the more we do, the more our children will as well. If not in words, then in behaviors. Saying “Yes” eliminates the need for kids to push back. It’s hard to argue with yes.

To find out more benefits to changing noes to yes, check out the full article, The Power of Yes on The Guiding Mindset website.

Big Conversations:

Navigating Friendships

“James said if I don’t play with him at recess, he won’t be my friend anymore.”

Navigating the world of childhood friendships can be challenging for kids, and parents. Big emotions often come into play as children figure out friendships. Social-emotional development takes time, and lots of practice. Perhaps as an adult, you’re still working on it. But you are needed to provide support and assurance, as well as help your child learn the ins and outs of how to be in relationships. And, as your kids grow and develop, the supporting conversations will change along with them.

“It sounds like what James said upset you. Do you think he really won’t be your friend anymore?”

Giving your child an opportunity to think it through, they may realize that James says this all the time and it’ll be okay. Or they may really think he means it. You can help your child develop empathy and critical thinking skills with open-ended, guiding questions to consider their friend’s perspective.

“I don’t think James really means it. What do you think he’s feeling?”

Some kids may be able to get right to, “I think he just wants me to play with him.” Others may go down the road of, “He doesn’t like me anymore.” Or an array of possible responses inbetween. Our job is to continue to help draw out an understanding of what James is really saying. When your child gets to the point of seeing that James is afraid they won’t play with him (through your guiding questions and responses), empathy develops with understanding of another’s perspective.

For littles, the intent is just to get their friend to play with them. It’s a typical response. Along with “You can’t come to my birthday party” when they’re mad at a friend. For older kids, it may be time to begin understanding the manipulative, or even bullying, aspects. It is just as important to help your child learn how to be a good friend and person, as it is to learn what to do when they’re on the receiving end.

Each of us has our own values that come into play when considering friendship. But for most of us, kindness is going to be at or near the top. These conversations are a great time to include those values. To help our kids consider how they can be a good friend, and to see when their friends aren’t. To develop their critical thinking skills to choose friends who are kind, and who treat them well. Again, keep in mind it’s a process! Simple question such as, “Was that kind?” “Are they [or you] being a good friend?” “How would you like your friends to treat you?”

Children learn these values and skills much more through our modeling them than our conversations. So, be aware of how you interact with others, that it is positive, and what you want your child to learn about relationships. It is still important to include consideration of values in our conversations to help in thinking through what is important as our kids develop their emotional intelligence and social skills.

If, during this big conversation, your child realizes (maybe with your help) that their friend is not being kind, make sure they know they can walk away, say what they feel, or get some space if the situation is getting too big. Learning how to set boundaries is an essential aspect of learning how to be in relationships with others.

Being there for your child for these big conversations lets them know they can always come to you if a situtation feels like too much to handle on their own, or has caused hurt feelings. It’s ideal when kids can work out their issues with friends on their own, and we need to provide the space for them to do so, keeping an eye out that no one is getting hurt (emotionally or physically). However, let your child guide the level of assistance you provide. Do they just need to vent, need help thinking it through, need help learning what to do in such a situation, or even need you to actually step in on their behalf?

Throughout childhood there are likely to be many situations calling for big conversations around friendship and how to be in relationship. Your support and guidance makes all the difference in how they learn to navigate this vital part of life and the development of their social-emotional skills.

Try This:

Reframing Boundaries

Are you tired and frustrated with your child testing the limits right after you’ve told them not to do something? Does it feel like you end up in punitive mode having to enforce boundaries? Having a Guiding Mindset can help shift perspectives, and in turn, create more ease with difficult behaviors. When your child is testing the limits, rather than feeling bad or upset with having to hold boundaries in place, consider that you are actually providing your child security.

Imagine you are on a roller coaster. The bar comes down over your lap and what’s the first thing you do? You yank on the bar. You aren’t testing the bar in the hopes it fails to hold you in place and keep you safe, you’re testing it to ensure it does!

Children have a similar experience when it comes to testing their parent’s boundaries. They aren’t testing them because they’re trying to get away with something, aren’t listening, or are simply misbehaving. Rather, they are testing boundaries to verify that you, their parent, is going to keep hold the boundary in place and keep them safe. By seeing consistently holding boundaries as reassurance, you can gain a more positive perspective and connected relationship with your child.

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