Talking About Death With Children
Talking About Death With Children
It was a sad day! The preschool parakeet died. The varying reactions amongst the children were many. My daughter was deeply distressed. The worst part for her was the parakeet’s eyes. They were open, but unseeing. The emptiness in his eyes shook her more than the death itself. This led to numerous conversations about death. And a few nightmares. Real life is much starker than television where dying people close their eyes to soften the experience.
I experienced death for the first time in high school. All I knew about death was it was like a person went to sleep and stayed that way. I’d come to believe that when someone died they looked like they were asleep or resting. I didn’t know the boy well but went to the funeral with a friend who was very close to him. It was an open casket. He did not look like he was asleep! He looked…Dead.
Later, when my daughter’s grandmother died, she asked about the cremation. By the time we figured out how to explain it without traumatizing her, her cousins did the job for us. They just laid it out, very factually. She was totally fine.
Children do best with honesty. When we are honest, factual, and matter of fact, in a manner appropriate for their age and development, they are fine. We are the ones with the ‘stuff.’ Our society treats death as a taboo subject, and certainly as something frightening. We do what we can to minimize its impact and soften its blow. It may even be hard to say the word ‘death’ in relation to someone, so we soften it by saying things like; they have passed on, they are with God, or they are in heaven.
Death is part of life. We see the cycle of life all around us. And even the beauty it holds. The metamorphosis of a butterfly, the cycle of a frog from egg to tadpole to adult, a spider spinning its web, the changing of the seasons. All around us are beginnings and endings.
While death is a natural part of life, we do need to support children in understanding and processing death. So how do we best talk to children about this very natural, but often deeply emotional, part of life?
Through honest discussions with a very intentional use of words
By acknowledging and accepting all emotions, without trying to change them
By planning for and supporting children through difficult behaviors
By involving children in plans, activities, and rituals
Honesty & Intention
Embracing death as part of our life experience is key. This provides a foundation for children’s understanding, and support through the inevitable sense of loss death brings. Most important is to provide realistic and honest explanations and examples. To talk about death in a straightforward manner. And to be honest and accepting of the resulting emotions. They too are a part of our life experience. The younger the child, the simpler the explanation, but even with the very youngest children, we can be 100% honest and real.
Euphemisms around death are many. They are often so ingrained we aren’t even aware. Children take what we say literally. So, we need to be very intentional with the words we use, making sure they mean exactly what we intend to say. Trying to soften the reality can be confusing, and even scare children. Avoid phrases such as, “put to sleep,” or “went to sleep” to describe death. This leads to the shock I felt as a teen, but even more so, fear around sleep and going to sleep. Also, potentially confusing or scary is the word “lost.” This suggests that they will be found again, or that getting lost equates to being dead. Other confusing euphemisms include passed on, crossed over, or resting in peace. We need to become comfortable saying the person or pet has died.
Explaining the process of death in physical terms provides more clarity. For instance: "Grandpa’s body was very old, and his heart couldn’t keep working." "Spot had a very serious illness and his body couldn’t get better." It may be helpful to use ‘illness’ for the more serious and reserve ‘sick’ for colds and tummy aches. When we are talking about the physical aspects that led to death, we can emphasize the severity. Such as explaining that most of the time when we get sick, we get better, but sometimes people get a really serious illness that their body can’t heal, and the doctors can’t fix. Or, usually when we get hurt, our body repairs, but sometimes the injury is just too big.
The permanence of death is generally difficult for children to grasp. They often ask when the person who died will be back, when they’ll see them again, or where they went. We can explain that their body stopped working and they aren’t here anymore. This is a great time to share your beliefs. Or that no one knows for sure, but what you believe is … . Or the various ideas that different people or cultures hold. Keep in mind that religious and spiritual beliefs are abstract, and young children are very concrete. I do believe, however, that children have an ability to embrace the spiritual. We are spiritual beings, even if we don’t have specific religious beliefs. Although it may not make sense in concrete terms, they often seem to “get it” on some level. That may be true for many adults as well. Talking about how the person who died will remain in our hearts, the wonderful memories we will always have, how we are sharing that person’s love when we love others, that we have a soul that goes on, the most common being that the person’s spirit has gone to heaven, or other positive beliefs, help us work through the inevitable feelings of loss. Even though death is a natural and inevitable part of life, it does cause us to experience the normal and natural feelings of loss and sadness.
Acknowledge & Accept Emotions
We don’t like to see our children sad. We often feel that we need to do everything we can to ensure their happiness. We worry about them seeing our grief. Most of us struggle with difficult emotions, ours as well as our children’s. Yet, our awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance of emotions, the ones we consider positive as well as those we perceive as negative, helps children develop emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, and resiliency. We don’t need to, nor should we try, to change feelings, pretend everything is okay, or feel that we must cheer our child up. We do need to be there with them.
Children are very perceptive! It is essential to talk about our own feelings, as well as acknowledging and accepting theirs. They are very attuned to our body language. They know when something is wrong, hear more than we think, and pick up on our feelings. If we don’t honestly talk about what is going on and how we feel, it adds to their confusion and fear. Children often make assumptions that aren’t true, most commonly that they did something wrong. Secrecy, or unacknowledged and accepted emotions, can lead to the development of unhealthy attitudes and beliefs. We may see difficult behaviors as a result. So, we need to talk to and be honest with our children about our feelings and help support them in understanding and working through their own. We also need to reassure children they are safe and cared for. We do so by talking through what is happening, any fears or emotions that surface, and who will be there for them if there are changes in their care. Being honest and real does not mean exposing children to extreme displays of grief or traumatic situations. If a caregiver’s grief is too much to provide the needed emotional support for the child, ask a trusted family member or friend to step in. Children are resilient and learn to handle the varying aspects of life not by keeping everything happy and wonderful, but by having loving, compassionate adults supporting them. With reassurance that life goes on; that no matter how sad we are, we’re going to be okay again. For children and adults alike, the best way out, is through. It takes time.
We may worry about how upset our child is going to be, only to be surprised by their total lack of emotion. As mentioned, death is a very abstract concept, particularly for very young children. They may not understand. It often feels unreal to us; it certainly can for children. It may take time to process and to realize the finality. Regardless of your child’s emotional reaction, be prepared for it to come up repeatedly over time. They may not react at all at first, then show inconsolable sadness sometime later. It may show up in strange and difficult behaviors. They may ask many questions, even ones that seem morbid or inappropriate. Emotions, questions, and difficult behaviors are likely to come and go. And may pop up at the most unexpected and inopportune times after you think they’ve long been processed. It is typical for children to experience grief in stages, or a little at a time, rather than all at once. As they enter new stages of development, they may again process at this new level of consciousness. Be prepared, and again, answer honestly. Most importantly, be there to listen, comfort and support whatever their process looks like.
Plan for & Support through Difficult Behaviors
Most of us feel helpless in circumstances such as death. We search for a way to make sense of, and gain some control, of the uncontrollable. Our children are no different. Just plan on dealing with difficult or unwanted behavior. It’s expected. Unusual behaviors result from lack of understanding, grief and feelings of loss, the emotions of those around them, as well as the changes and happenings taking place. Of course, certain behaviors are not okay regardless. But we need to recognize and support what is beneath the behavior with love and limits, not punishment. Punishment adds insult to injury. It prevents connection and a feeling of trust and support that is especially needed during this time.
One of the most helpful ways to minimize difficult behaviors is to maintain usual routines and activities. To keep life as “normal” as possible. When that isn’t possible, children need to know what to expect. Talk about any changes in routine and what will be happening instead. Talk about how things will be different, as well as who or how they will continue to be cared for. In advance of events and happenings, such as errands, the funeral, memorial service, or visiting relatives, explain what will be happening and the expectations. Plan ahead with snacks, or things to do while waiting or sitting quietly. Adjust for varying needs, such as disrupted sleep schedules. Especially, plan additional tlc and snuggle time. Extra snuggles before bed. Reading together. Other than at bedtime, read one of the many wonderful children’s books about dying. Take a walk in nature or go on an adventure. A little extra time together makes a considerable difference. We can spend time assuring our children’s emotional and physical needs are met, or we can spend time dealing with behaviors. Either way, we’ll spend the time.
Involve Child in Some Way
It can be difficult to decide what a child should be involved in. In particular, whether or not to attend a funeral, or being with a pet as they are euthanized. Of course, much of this decision depends on the child’s development and personality. Again, talk with them honestly. Make sure they know what to expect. Really listen, not just to what they say, but to body language and emotions. Then follow their cues. Make sure your own “stuff” is out of the way, then trust your intuition. Children are much more capable than we expect, provided we give the needed support and understanding.
Most of us feel better, or have an easier time processing, when there is something we can do. Giving your child a special role can help them feel part of things, as well as planning special rituals and activities. While acknowledging and accepting any difficult feelings, we can also focus on all that we are grateful for in the life of our loved one. We can celebrate life and embrace the happy memories. If your child is able, let them participate in planning some aspect of a Service or Celebration of Life. Ask them what would be most meaningful for them. If they can’t be part of the actual service, create some type of special ritual for them, appropriate for their age and development. Ritual can help make the abstract more concrete, give direction to our emotions, and provide a sense of closure. Some ideas include:
A special time to share memories, stories & gratitudes
Plant a tree or special garden
Create a remembrance table with special pictures or items
Make a remembrance book
Light a special candle daily for a period of time
Read special books
Read or write a special poem or story
Create a memorial
For a pet, decorate a special rock as a marker or headstone
While death is a part of life, it does bring with it feelings of loss and sadness. Embracing all aspects of life with our children, the highs and the lows, our big difficult emotions along with our happy ones, provides the opportunity to learn resilience in moving through tough times. Our children learn there is a beginning and an end to all things, and it’s all part of the magnificence of life.
Special note: Sometimes death comes about in a traumatic or unexpected way. Don’t hesitate to get help if your child, or you, are overwhelmed by grief or loss, or to deal with traumatic and unusual circumstances.
